The Tree!

All Lit Up, originally uploaded by cheryl.

Connor has been waiting (anything but patiently) to get to this point. Daddy took him yesterday afternoon to the little tree farm down the road from our old house that we've been going to for years (before kids, even). He could not have been more excited to go, or to bring it inside, or to see it the next morning. We are not brave enough to decorate with three wild little boys underfoot, not yet anyway.

So the boys woke up to this sight. Only one ornament has been sacrificed at this point, but it was just day one. Between Connor's fascination with touching them all to ask where each one came from, the twins trying to play with them all, and Buster's need to sit between the tree and the front windows, it may all come crashing down before Santa even thinks about gracing our chimney top.

Different Worlds

Sometimes I feel like I live in two very different worlds. I have three little boys, and all of them are individuals – with their own tastes, their own interests and their own quirks. But two of them have one thing in common, they both have autism. And that puts the boys into two different groups, and I have to be two different mothers, often at the very same time.

People often ask me what the hardest thing is about having children with autism. I never know what to answer. Part of that is simply me, my nature. It is what it is. They are your children, you love them, you do everything you can for them. In that way, it’s absolutely no different than any other child.

Balancing the very different needs of those children is the hard part. I’m sure it’s a problem for every parent with more than one child. You always wonder if you’re doing enough for one or too much for another. At what point does helping one become an inconvenience or sacrifice of the other.

That is the hard part.

There are so many experiences that Connor has missed out on, or that have been different or later for him, simply because of his brothers. T-ball came in the fall, at almost six years old instead of four, when many kids start. Not because Connor wasn’t ready or wouldn’t have enjoyed it. Because we weren’t sure how to make it work with two brothers who never enjoyed sitting through one of their cousin Austin’s baseball games – a once or twice a season occurrence. If that was too much for them, what would weekly games and practice sessions do for them. Or even if we took them, what kind of distraction would they be for Connor, his teammates or his coaches. I can tell you, even this year, it was hard. They screamed and cried and were not at all fans of t-ball. And while I was thrilled for Connor to have the experience, it was not always a fun one for the rest of us.

That’s just one example. There are birthday parties – friends and family alike – that we have avoided. Play dates with other friends, because venues were too open or too much for the twins to handle. Dinners out at a restaurant, whether just as our family or with others. Trips to the zoo or the pool or the aquarium or any other place you could imagine. They have been few and far between. Connor would like them, but there was always the question of how the twins would react, how they would behave, and simply whether or not we could manage it.

More often than not, we take the divide and conquer approach. One parent stays with the twins in a more manageable environment. Connor goes with the other on limited adventures. Or, more frequently, another outside family member takes Connor on a fun adventure. Without that, he would not have nearly the experiences that he has in his six years. He’s been to the zoo, the aquarium, movies, parks, museums, the beach, the mountains, overnight visits with out-of-town family members. He’s actually well-traveled. And we are so extremely grateful to our family members who have helped him have that life. It’s simply not something we can give him right now – not with his twin brothers and their needs.

And that’s hard, too. Wondering, worrying about how it affects him. Will he come to resent his brothers, their ever-present and all-consuming needs that often overshadow his own? Are the separate adventures enough to make up for the typical, everyday family stuff that is missing?

Christmas, or any holiday, always puts it into sharp focus. Connor is excited about Christmas. He couldn’t wait to go with Daddy to cut down the tree and put up Christmas decorations at the house. He’s even begging for outside lights this year. He constantly wants to know how many days until Christmas and often wonders aloud what Santa will bring him this year. He looks forward to dinner with the extended family – and even more presents. And time off from school.

All typical, everyday things.

With the twins, none of those things matter. With their limited communication, what they understand is hard to gauge. Maybe they know the holiday is coming, maybe they don’t. They certainly like to open presents, but their joy seems to come more from pulling the paper off or playing with boxes than the actual toys. The tree is fascinating, because they like to play with the ornaments. But the anticipation, the excitement, simply is not there. If they knew to anticipate dinner with the family, it would not be a happy anticipation. It would mean all day in someone else’s house, with a lot of different people and lots of strange noises that may or may not make them happy.

It is, quite simply, different.

The holidays are both happy and sad. It’s fun to watch Connor get excited for the season, to see his anticipation slowly build all month long. It’s harder to see it side-by-side with his brothers, so unconcerned and unimpressed by what should be a magical time of year. It’s sad not only for them, but for their big brother, who probably is already starting to wonder why his little brothers are so different, why they do not share any of his interests or his excitements.

Three boys, two entirely different worlds …

Changes ...

Daddy's New Job, originally uploaded by cheryl.

When people tell you kids change everything, you don’t always believe them. But it’s true. Just look at us.

I never thought I’d be working part-time in the health-care industry, but I am. It allows me to be at home with the kids during the school week and make some extra money on the weekends. My old job was getting paid for 40 hours a week but putting in 60 or 70. It wasn’t conducive to kids. At least not when there was more than one. And it was stressful, full of late nights and last minute deadlines. With my part-time job, you have a set schedule and you leave your job at the door with the next person who comes in to take over. I LOVE that part. Work stays where it belongs – at work. And I still pick up the odd freelance job here and there, keeping my hand in my old career, just in case I ever want to go back. But marketing and graphic design will always have those deadlines and crazy hours, and I honestly don’t know that I ever will. Kids changed that for me.

And I’m pretty sure that Josh probably never thought he’d be going to “fire school,” as Connor calls it, but that’s what he’s doing for the next 14 weeks. About a year ago he started the application process for the local fire department. He made it through several rounds of testing and interviews and is now a “recruit” and going through training. He even made it through a long and hard EMT certification class before this process even started! Construction has its ups and downs, but with three kids – two with special needs – a steady paycheck and benefits finally tipped the scale. He’ll still do construction and build houses, but not as his full-time job. And not for the next 14 weeks! Right now he’s busy going to class, studying for quizzes and exams, and getting back in shape for the tough physical exam at the end of training!

It’s funny how kids can change so many things about your life. Neither one of us is working in the field of our college degrees. But it works for us right now. It fits with the priorities we have as parents to three amazing little boys.

And how much are they going to love it when Daddy is a firefighter? Coolest Dad job ever.

Hint, Hint

Hmm ... Wonder What He's Thinking About, originally uploaded by cheryl.

For the last week or so, Connor has been a little bit obsessed. You see, other people have started putting up their Christmas trees. He's seen them at stores, in other people's windows, on top of people's cars. He sees them everywhere. And he never hesitates to point them out.

"There's one. Another one. Aw, man! Why do they have their tree already? When are we going to go get our tree? How much longer do I have to wait? Can we go today? How about tomorrow? Please, come on, please."

It's a running commentary in our house.

And now it's a reoccurring theme in Connor's artwork. He brought this one home from school today. Clearly he's trying to give us a hint.

I'm one of those people who doesn't like to rush the season. I like Christmas, but if it starts too early, then I get tired of it. I also happen to really like Thanksgiving, and want to enjoy it for what it is all about, rather than skipping from Halloween to Christmas as most of the stores did this year. But that's just me.

Not to worry, Connor won't have to suffer too much longer. We're planning to go either this weekend or one day next week to get the tree. After Josh and I built our first house together (many, many years ago), we discovered a small, locally owned and operated tree farm just down the road from that first house. We've gone there every year since 2003.

Connor has been taken every year of his life, though he only started to be interested last year (and of course, is even more interested this year). If you happen to visit the same farm, you will see pictures of him and Josh up on the photo wall (they take a photo with everyone if they're willing).

Soon ... one day soon ... Connor will get his first Christmas wish!

Rituals & Routines

The twins have a lot of those - things they like to do a certain way, things they don't like to do at all. And Sawyer and Xander are both very different in their likes and dislikes.

If Xander's in the mood for affection, he likes to kiss. A lot. If Sawyer's in an affectionate mood, he likes to squeeze, or hit (think love tap, only really, really hard).

One of my favorite routines is bed time. And it just goes to show you how different my identical twins really are from one another. Xander will accept a quick snuggle or kiss (even making the "Mmm .... ma" sound of a pretend kiss just to speed the process along. A cuddler he is not ...

But Sawyer is my cuddle buddy, especially at bed time. The poor kid is never really ready to go to bed, but one thing is for certain. If it's bed time, he wants Mommy there. We hop in bed, ready a book, and snuggle. I always read, sometimes he listens for minute, sometimes he pays attention to the flip of every single page, and sometimes he just dances around the room with that boundless energy and motion that is, quite simply, my boy.

But after the book is put back away, the lights go out and it's time for bed. We climb in together. He always lays in the same place - horizontally, on his belly and stretched on top of both his pillows, wedged up between the headboard and the mattress. Tight spaces, pressure - both things he loves and craves.

Sometimes he jabbers in that language we don't yet understand. Sometimes he giggles. Always he reaches out his little arm and hooks it around my neck, pulling me down hard and close to him. We stay that way for a while, snuggled close. Even if I have a million other things I need to be doing after bedtime, I always stay for a while.

You see, there was a time when Sawyer didn't like to be touched at all. When he would arch away, pull away and cringe at even the barest touch from other people. It never stopped me, of course. He learned to tolerate quick, hard hugs somewhere along the way. But now, now he reaches out and holds on tight.

If he's not at all sleepy, I "look" into his eyes. He doesn't like direct eye contact, of course, but he will let me "look" at him if I keep my eyes closed. He will actually giggle at me, and reach his hands up to hold onto my face, to hold me there just inches above his own. It's one of our moments together.

Yes, I stay for a while. We cuddle and laugh and hold on tight.

Routines and rituals can change, sometimes without the slightest hint or warning. I don't want to miss these moments ... not a single one. So much of his day is spent in his own world, doing what he wants just the way he wants, without wanting or needing help or interaction from anyone else.

But these moments, the ones where he's actually reaching out and holding on, those are priceless.